Holding the Spoon

Occasionally in life, we come to a point where we begin to feel stagnant. When the everyday becomes so routine that it ceases to be a challenge or a learning experience. And like a crime investigation gone cold, sometimes it becomes necessary to find a way to stir things up.

My husband (who is Chief of Police in our town) and his detectives recently did such a thing on a two-year-old homicide case which had almost gone cold. Recent changes in their department (including my husband coming in as chief), particularly the detective division, prompted them to start the investigation from the beginning, look at it with fresh eyes. Then they started all over by calling in a search and rescue team, complete with trained K-9s, to re-canvas the scene of the crime.

I think the same kind of thinking can apply to writing or to other art forms, as well as any aspect of life. Stirring things up is how I got my first book contract. And then again, stirring led me to my agent. Indeed, we stirred our family by moving to Texas a little under two years ago. There is extreme value in shaking things up, breaking patterns, accepting change. Change is growth. And growth is always, always good.

So they stirred this investigation, and while initially, no new evidence surfaced, the presence of the team was enough to start an avalanche of new information that bled with old information, and three weeks later…

This.

An arrest. A strong case. Closure for the victims and their families. A murderer off the streets.

Stirring the cold pot brought out information that led investigators down the right path, just like stirring our family life to come to Texas led our family into some incredible, phenomenal growth. I am still awaiting the verdict on the progress with my career as an author, but big things are coming there too. I can feel it.

I’m already holding the spoon, dipping it in the sauce. Once again, it’s time to give things another little stir.

Everyone Is Angry

I feel a great disturbance in the force over the last few months. Not for any one reason in particular, but maybe for a combination of many. It seems like everywhere I look, every news article or social media feed has become about choosing sides on one issue or another.

Politics. Sports. Industry. Religion. One side must be right while the other side is wrong, and SO MANY people who normally might not speak out are shouting at the top of their lungs, crying foul! Because someone, somewhere, did something or said something that offends a personal sensibility, so we must share our opinions. Let us ALL share our thoughts on Amazon vs Hatchett, or Kate Kelly vs the LDS Church, or whether or not adults should read YA books. Let’s discuss industry jealousy, and politics and politicians, and, oh yes, what about the death penalty? While we’re at it, let’s discuss everything at once because we. Are. Angry.

Everyone is so angry. And eventually, anger becomes bitterness, which turns into hatred. And hatred, no matter how it forms or where it comes from, becomes misery. Wide-spread hatred becomes wide-spread misery.

It feels like everyone in the world is fighting over something. It’s exhausting, really. Because no matter the issue or which side on which you stand, there will never be a point where your view or your take is proven true. It’s an endless circle of discontent.

Granted, it’s not all about being proven right or wrong. In most cases battles are about making change, and I am an advocate for change. Change is good. Always. In most cases, change makes things better, even if it means going through growing pains for a while.

But people, do we really have to be at war with one another? Do we really have to spread venom and hate and anger throughout the world, just because our own emotions are high? Aren’t we, as compassionate, understanding human beings better than animals fighting over a kill?

I think we are. I think we should be. And I think it’s up to us to remember that, and to decide to take a step back, catch a breath, and focus on the good, the positive.

Today, when I was leaving the gas station after my daily Dr. Pepper stop, a gentleman held the door for me. At the grocery store, a little boy smiled shyly and waved. This afternoon, I have had texts from three separate long-distance friends telling me they miss me. My daughter borrowed my car last night, and while she was out, she filled up my gas tank and saved me the trouble of doing it myself.

There are kind gestures, sweet thoughts, beautiful, wonderful things happening all around us, and when we focus on those things rather than the ones that make us angry, I think it’s easier to remember how it feels to be happy. To be individual. To be free.

I vote we stop spreading anger and start spreading love instead. Let’s work on restoring the balance of the force, shall we?

Star Spangled Summer Adventure

I have a certain fascination with American History. Actually, all history, but since I'm American, and I live here, the stories of our colorful past just really interest me. 

A few years ago, I was with my family in Washington D.C., and I had the opportunity to see the flag that flew over Fort McHenry on the night it was bombarded by British war ships during the war of 1812. The same flag which, that very night, inspired Francis Scott Key to pen The Star Spangled Banner. 

During that same trip, I took a walking tour of Fort McHenry, for the first time understanding the full magnitude of what the song means. And since then, our national anthem continues to be a touching reminder to me of how much was sacrificed to build this country. 

So when I heard about the summer adventure challenge being issued by author L.C. Lewis, I HAD to jump on board. Because no matter where you are in America, we are all surrounded by history. 

I'm going to take this challenge, and drag my family along with me--not because of the prizes offered, but because these are the kind of activities that stick with us and shape us into better people. And hey, if we win some prizes along the way, it only makes it that much more fun! 

The details from L.C. Lewis:  

This summer marks the anniversaries of some profound American history. The sesquicentennial of the Civil War continues this summer, and August and September mark the 200th of anniversary of significant historical events from the War of 1812.

August 14th will mark the 200th anniversary of the British burning of America's capital, Washington D.C., including the torching of the White House, known then as The President's House, and the Capitol, which then housed the original Library of Congress. Along with these American architectural treasures, thousands of irreplaceable volumes were lost from our nation's library.

September 12-13 will mark the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Baltimore, the birth of The Star-Spangled Banner, and the moment America began its love affair with the red, white, and blue,.

Sadly, economic issues and budget cuts have forced the cancellation of many public celebrations planned to mark these poignant events.

So families, it’s time to hit the road and create your own Star-Spangled Summer Adventure!

Laurie L.C. Lewis, author of the “Freemen and Dreamers” series, which covers this period of history, and some of her author friends, are hosting this Star-Spangled Summer Celebration to encourage families to rediscover America and her history. You visit local, state, or federal landmarks with your family, and we’ll provide some added incentive.

Here’s how you enter:

          1.       Visit five American historical landmarks, (even your local landmarks count), between Flag Day, June 14th, and Defender’s Day, September 12th.

          2.       Email photos of your family standing in front of a sign or building indicating where you went. Use this email address: starspangledsummeradventure@gmail.com

That’s it!

Additional entries will be awarded for those who promote the SSSA by posting the official badge and link on their blog, and link to it via their Facebook page, or on Twitter.  Just send an email with the corresponding link to starspangledsummeradventure@gmail.com

Additional entries can also be earned by submitting a brief, (250 words or less), testimonial recounting your experience on a leg of your “Star-Spangled Adventure.” These will be posted on my blog over the summer.

One family will be selected to win the prize package on September 13th. Visit the official Star-Spangled Summer Adventure page at  http://www.laurielclewis.com/summer-adventure.htm.

Prizes are still coming in, but the package now includes a Vivitar Digital Video Recorder; a $50 gift card to Bed, Bath, and Beyond; a commemorative set of the Charters of Freedom, suitable for framing; and a family-worthy collection of autographed books from authors in a variety of genres. (From Nichole: Also, this package includes a print first edition copy of DESCENDANT.)

So hit the road, and let us see what great American history you find!

Warmly,

Laurie L. C. Lewis

Nichole Giles

Competition or Compassion? It’s Your Choice.

You know those moments when you’re looking at someone and you think, wow, I wish my life was like theirs? Or from the other side, you look at what they’re going through and think, oh, wow, I am so glad that’s not me. And you sort of do this in-mind comparison of lives—not because life is a competition, but because this is how we gain admiration, empathy and compassion. These are moments of growth, moments of truth, I think.

Or conversely, and for reasons I will never understand, there are those who believe life really is a competition, and they set out to win. Except it’s an impossible thing to do, because no hero in the world can win every single battle. And no one person can horde all the money. And no single person will ever own all the recognition. Or beauty. Or the biggest house/fastest car/best book deal/whatever. And the problem with this game they play is that because of all the above mentioned things, those people will never feel like they win at anything. How discouraging! And also, I think, lonely.

The truth: comparing ourselves to others is highly unhealthy. Life does NOT = competition.

Another truth: growing in admiration, empathy and compassion is great as long as we don’t spoil it with the above mentioned mistake.

It is absolutely, totally, and completely possible to be happy for the success of others, exclusive of resentment, anger, or envy. It is. And it is up to us to decide what we do with both our successes and our failures. I’ve had some of both this week. I did not cry hard over the failures, nor did I run out and celebrate the successes, because I’m trying hard to take it all in stride. Right now it would be so easy to look at the journeys of others and wish for things not in my direct path. But I don’t. I won’t.

Because my journey is mine, and mine alone. I am the one who chose to strap on my seat belt and say yes to the ride. And it’s up to me to keep my hands inside the cart and hold on.

When the car stops and I climb out, I truly, genuinely hope that there are people waiting for me on the platform, as well as those in the cars not far behind mine. Because no matter how fast or how slow or which track we choose to take, we are all attempting to end up in the same place.

And I think it would be really awesome if we could all plan one big party in the end. 

A Question that Changes Things

I’ve been thinking about forward progress and what it takes to get to whatever new place we hope to someday reach. One of the benefits of our recent move is that it has forced my family to look at our lives and our goals and make some decisions about what’s really important to us, and what we really, really want for the future.

This has been a good lesson for me as a parent, because it reminds me how important it is for us (both adults and children) to ask the question why.

Why do we choose to do this or that or something else?

Why does something cost however much it does?

Why does a company pay a certain salary?

Why do individual people act in certain ways?

WHY?

Why?

(And if the answer to why happens to be along the lines of, “because it’s how we’ve always done it,” that’s a sure sign that something needs to change.)

Or, from a kid’s point of view:

Why do adults set rules?

Why do they follow (or not follow) those same rules themselves?

 Why is it necessary to do homework? Or to go to the doctor?  

Why do schools have dress codes if teachers aren’t required to live by the same standards they set for their students?

WHY?

 Why?

(And if the adults don’t follow the rules, this is a sure sign to children that adults don’t necessarily know everything—which is also an important lesson, I think.)

For writers, this single question is one of the most important questions we should ask about our characters.

Why do they act the way they do?

Why do they make certain choices?

Why have they become the people they are when the story starts?

Why?

There is power in this single question, because the answers to questions beginning with this one word have the ability to spark a chain of events that creates forward momentum. The kind of forward momentum that can change things. Very often for the better.

Think about it. What life-events have been sparked because you asked the question why? 

Adapting

I’m Back! Well, Sort Of.

*waves from sunny Texas*

Yep, that’s right. We survived the packing/loading/driving/unloading/traveling portion of our move from Northern Utah to South Texas. I kind of feel like we’re still moving, and will continue to be moving for like, another year. Or maybe more. And I’m not 100% sure we’ll ever find some things we packed, because, well, they never seem to be in the boxes we thought they were in or whatever. But we are on the other side of our long, long (did I say LONG?) moving journey, and in the process of adapting to our new environment.

To give you a new idea of what this adaptation involves, we went from this:

And this:

To this:

And this:

But even more than environmental adaptations, we’re getting oriented with our new town and surrounding areas, learning about the culture, and trying to integrate ourselves into the community.

Yes, it’s a lot. My brain = way past capacity. (And I am SO glad I didn’t do NaNo this year.)

But things are starting to calm a bit, and I’m planning to dive back into writing here soon. In the meantime, I want to leave you with a thought that’s been swimming in my head this week.

I think it takes sacrifice and service to do great things, and in order for us to become great (as people) we have to experience a lot of both. Opportunity doesn’t always come knocking on your door. More often than not, we have to search very hard to find it, and then decide to do take it, even if it means making that big sacrifice, or a number of sacrifices, and doing things that are hard, hard, HARD.

Sometimes, that’s what it takes to make a difference.

Sometimes, that’s the only way to break a monotonous pattern.

Sometimes, that’s exactly the kind of growth our souls crave.

It’s a personal character arc!

So, um. Now that I bore my soul for the week, have any of you recently experienced a personal arc of that variety? Do share!  

Stepping Stones to Speeding Trains

This week, I’ve been thinking about progress, and how it never looks quite like you thought it would. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it’s really good. Amazing even. And sometimes, not so much. But good or amazing or terrible, progress forces us to move.

Whether we’re moving forward or backward or sideways, we’re MOVING, and that’s important. Because even when we’re sliding backward, it gives us an opportunity to try to move forward again. Sometimes, it’s the backward movement that helps us to find a path we missed the first time, or one we saw, but passed up. And maybe that path is the right path, so maybe we’ll keep sliding, keep coming back to it until we finally give it a try.

And if that path happens to be right, chances are that once you finally take it, everything else will change. Life will open up in unexpected ways.

If and when that happens, you don’t spend your time wondering what took you so long, or regretting how far back you had to slide to get to that place (or, at least, you shouldn’t). Instead, you focus your energies on holding on tight, because with all the experiences you’ve collected along the way now behind you, there’s an extreme force propelling you forward, and you may not be used to your new rate of speed.

But wow, it’s going to be a heck of a ride!

At least, that’s my experience. What about you? When is the last time you took a path you’ve been avoiding?

Out of the Ashes

Last weekend my family and I went on a day trip that involved driving past an area where a wildfire had recently burned. This same fire destroyed a number of homes, cabins, and other buildings. Among the structures burned was my dad’s cabin.

For my dad and step-mom, this was more than the loss of a beloved vacation spot. It was a place they’d built by hand, from the ground up, with more than fifteen years of weekends and days off dedicated to the creation of the beautiful family getaway. And it was truly, truly beautiful.

As we drove, the areas most affected by the fire were apparent by the blackened stumps and skeletons of trees. But I was surprised to see that even though so much had been burned, there were many places in which we could distinctly see green grass shoots poking through the dark ground.

It reminded me that the cabin is just a place. And while it was a place that meant a lot to my parents, they’re already drafting plans to rebuild. There is nothing left on their property. Not a single tree or plant or building footing. They see this as a chance to start over and do things better the second time. A blank slate. Not a lot of people have opportunities like that.

Bad things happen. They happen to EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you believe or how you act or how hard you try to be the best person you can be—bad things sometimes happen. To all of us. And it’s up to us to decide how we’ll react to those things. If we’ll let them mold us into better, stronger people, or if we’ll let them knock us down, stomp us into the ground to become bitter, angry, and miserable.

When bad things happen, what parts of you will rise out of the ashes?

Things Everyone Should Experience

Dancing with a stranger

Kissing someone who needs it

Standing on a little ship in a big ocean

Playing in the rain

Tasting something you would never otherwise eat: (No pics but I tried alligator, frog legs, and shark. Also octopus, I think.)

Climbing a daunting obstacle

Seeing how other cultures live

Creating a masterpiece

Personally witnessing a fish that flies.

Watching the sun kiss the ocean

Digging your toes into the sand

Staying up all night to watch the sunrise

Coming face-to-face with a known predator and realizing it’s not as scary as you expected
(Yes, that is a crocodile, and he is in the wild)

Forgetting anger, stress, and heartache in order to close your eyes and feel absolutely at peace

Why? #YOLO!
(Translation: You only live once.)

Things I don’t know

I’m a writer. An author. And not only do I openly admit it, but I talk about my writing and my hopes and dreams quite a lot. And in very public forums. (Like blogging.) Because I’ve been into this for a while, people have a tendency to ask me things. Sometimes, I have answers, but more often than not, I don’t. Not yet, anyway.

There are a lot of things I don’t know.

1. How do you get an agent?
(Um, I can tell you how I’m trying, but since I have yet to be successful in this never-ending endeavor, I might not be the best person to ask.)

2. When is your next book coming out?
(Hm. I’d love to say 2013, but since I’m not feeling the self-publishing vibe, I have no idea.)

3. How does a midlist book make the bestseller lists?
(My guess: good writing, strong word of mouth, and some brilliant marketing from the author. But I’ve never been there, so…I couldn’t really tell you for sure.)

4. How can I make a living as a writer?
(Uh, I’ll have to get back to you on that. As soon as I find the secret, I’ll be happy to share it, because I’m nice like that.)

5. How long are you planning to keep writing / submitting?
(Indefinitely. Because I’ve tried to quit. A few times. Recently, even. Never works for long, so I guess I’ll write forever.)

6. Who is your favorite author?
(Answering this question would be like diving into the ocean and trying to pinpoint a favorite starfish. But I have a particular love for young adult authors these days, so I guess I could start there.)

7. Where did you learn how to write?
(Everywhere. Practice. Lots and lots of practice, and classes, and critique groups, and conferences. But again, see the above questions. It’s entirely possible that I don’t know how to write—maybe that’s why I don’t have an agent and/or book deal and am not making a living as a writer.)

But even with all the stuff I don’t know, there are a few things I do know.

1. I will never get to where I want to be if I don’t try.

2. Trying sometimes = failing a whole lot of times.


3. Winner/ loser/ reject: there are people in my life who will always be there, and they will love me anyway.

4. People will always be more important than money or deals or success.

5. I am the only person who can decide how I act, how I treat others, and how much I value the relationships in my life.

6. I have written a number of full-length novels. Someday they will be read by people who need to read them. It’s okay if that someday is far away.

7. Even though I am not necessarily where I want to be in my writing career, I am already successful. I have done things most people will never even attempt. I have met people and formed relationships, and experienced things I didn’t even dream when I was young. And I am teaching my kids the value of the phrase never give up.

8. Someday, I WILL have the answers to the questions on my don’t list.

Sometimes what we know and what we don’t is a matter of perspective.

The Problem with Pedestals.

Is that they aren’t made for people.

And people—no matter who they are or what they do—should never try to stand on a pedestal. Nor should we force others to stand one.

Because anyone who does will inevitably go splat at some point in time.

I’ve met a lot of people in my life. Important people. Famous people. Knowledgeable people. Brilliant people. Humble people. Beginners. Finishers. The strong. The weak. The selfish. The determined. The impatient. Saintly people. Serving people. Rich, poor, and middle-class people. But I have yet to meet a single person who is not absolutely human, who is not on a journey of some sort, and who is not searching for enrichment, fulfillment, and/or happiness.

Humans make mistakes, progress, and choices.

I admit some of us manage to rise above adversity and find success better or quicker or differently than others. But those who try to stand on pedestals—or who are put there by others—always, always have a lot further to go when they fall.

I know I’m not perfect. A long way from it. No one else is either. But if we can manage to eliminate those darned pedestals, maybe the important people in our lives won’t have to fall so hard. Nor will we have to hurt so badly when we trip.

Personally, I don’t want to stand on a pedestal. But if you absolutely insist, you’re welcome to seat me on a throne. I’ll never complain about that!

The Weakest Player

My kids are into sports. All sports. They definitely have favorites, but I’m pretty sure they’d jump on any opportunity to learn a new one.

In all my years of watching them play soccer, basketball, softball, baseball, cheerleading, ice skating, and track, I’ve come to realize one fact. A team is only as strong as its weakest player. No matter how much that player is on the court or field, whenever they play, their weaknesses can handicap the entire team.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a learning one. If a team is truly a team, other players will know to protect that weak spot, play harder to compensate for that handicap. No matter how good we are at something, we will always have weaknesses for which we depend upon the assistance of other team members.

My kids have determined that they don’t want to let their teams down, so they work extra hard, push themselves, and are constantly looking for new ways to improve.

I think this is true in any life situation, relationship, or working strategy. And there is always a way to learn more, work harder, improve.

Have you ever been the weakest player? What did you do to eliminate that weakness?

What The Hunger Games is Teaching My Children

Since the release of The Hunger Games movie, I’ve seen a lot of controversial conversations happening online. People love it. People hate it. People are disturbed by the very idea of having children see such a movie, or adults for that matter. Children forced to kill each other? No way.

Except I WANT my kids to read the books AND see the movie. I WANT them to think about the effects of war. I want them to realize that not every adult who tries to force them to do something has their best interests in mind. I want them to learn to think for themselves, believe for themselves, hope for themselves. I want my kids to figure out how to survive in the wilds of the real world—whatever that world is like when they get there.

Three of my four kids read the book before we saw the movie. And they GOT IT. Even my youngest (11) understands that it is truly not a story about kids killing kids, but of kids learning how their actions can change things. They can change themselves, their families, their communities, society, and yes, they can change the world.

What’s more, I think that as the series progresses, as they find out what happens next, they’ll see what hatred and war can do, how it can destroy people, and also how hope can give them the power to rebuild.

Granted, this is not a story for little people (as mentioned above, my youngest is almost 12). And it’s not something anyone should read or watch hoping for any kind of lightheartedness. It’s a heavy subject. It’s a heartbreaking subject. This story stabs us in the heart and twists until the very end. But it’s a beautiful story of hope, determination, and love.

In case you haven’t read my blog header, those things are important themes in my life. Themes I want my children to really get. So yes, I took them to the midnight premier. Yes, we discussed all these things, and yes, I’m quite certain they understand why this movie (and the book series) is so big and so important to me.

Because some stories are more than mere stories. They’re lessons we should all learn, even the young.

So what about you? Did you go? Would you take your tween?

Life After Success

Last week my friend Carolyn asked if her blog readers believe people change once they have succeeded in achieving important goals. This is not a new question for me, but for some reason, Carolyn’s has stuck with me all week. It’s on my mind, apparently.

I told her (and her readers) that I think to some degree, everyone changes. When you set a goal and reach that goal, it's inevitable that something inside you grows and becomes more than it was as you were looking to achieve it.


However, it is up to the individual person to decide what they do with that change. Will you let it go to your head? Will you treat people differently? Will you allow all your time to be swallowed by new things? Will you make or find time for the people or projects that matter to you, even if you can't see a benefit?


Some of us will be fundamentally different once we find that success for which we've so long reached.


But some of us, even in changed circumstances, will remain fundamentally the same. We may be busier. We may have more things on which to focus. We may even have to reevaluate where our priorities lie. But we will still be that person who once struggled to reach a goal. And we will strive to NEVER forget how we got there or how difficult that journey was.


I pray every day that when I find my success, it will change me only for the better, and that I will never, ever be tempted to forget those people who have been so important to me.

(Yep, that’s pretty much my blog comment, word for word.)

What about you? Have your current successes changed you at all? In which ways? And do you think future successes will continue to change you on a core level?

Snippets of Wisdom, part 2

In case you missed Wednesday’s post, this week I’m sharing quotes from writers whom I have decided are infinitely wise in our open-mindedness.

I’m going to focus today on sharing quotes about life, in hopes that something here reaches out and touches one or two of my readers. Okay? Okay.

“The journey of 1000 miles starts with one step.” ~Jess Smart Smiley author of Upside Down, A Vampire Tale

“Being a grown up is not a prize you win. It’s something you reach out and take for yourself.” ~Sandra Tayler

“When you know you don’t know it all, you’re willing to learn.” ~Stacey Whitman, Senior Editor, TU books.

“Everyone is making it up as they go.” ~Tracey Hickman

“Very few times in our lives do we have a choice that will change our entire future.” ~James A. Owen, author of Drawing out the Dragon

“We have to get over the fear of making mistakes, even when we make them.” ~Stacey Whitman

“Be willing to forget what you know and just be who you are.” Jennifer Nelson

Okay, now it’s your turn. At some point in your life, you’ve heard a quote (don’t deny it, I know you have!) that changed you. Or at least made you really think. What was that quote and who said it?

That Initial Leap—Right off a Cliff

Last weekend, I jumped off a cliff.

Yes, I’m serious. And no, I wasn’t pushed, unless by pushing you mean my kids counting down so my husband could snap the shutter while I was in the air.

Don’t worry. I landed in water. Clean, clear, warm water, and it felt fantastic once I was in it. The harder part was getting up the guts to bend my knees and take the initial leap.

Actually, it felt a little reminiscent of my journey as a writer. First, it was hard admitting to myself that I wanted to write—like, actual books. Then it was hard to finish that my beginner's crap manuscript, and later subject my work to critique, then to start submitting / querying.

Clicking send for the first time (and many, many times after that) felt highly similar to that dive I took the other day. Really, really scary when you’re on the cliff looking down, but highly incredible once it’s over and you’re in the water. Even if you know you’re going to have to swim to shore and climb up to take the leap again, once you’re there, a small body swimming around an enormous lake (or ocean), it feels absolutely incredible to know you’ve done a brave thing and survived.

What brave things have you done lately?

No Two Friends Alike

I’ve been thinking this week about friendship and all its different forms.

I used to think all our friends fall into different categories and sub categories, kind of like books and genres. We might have best friends with whom we share everything, who we don’t always spend a lot of time with (but sometimes do), but who we know we can always count on unconditionally.

Then we might have close friends, who are just a little different than best friends in that they know a lot about us and we know a lot about them, and we probably spend a lot of time together (or at least talking or emailing, or whatever) but with whom we also have boundaries.

Then there are regular friends we like to see, love to spend time with and visit, but who don’t really know us like our close or best friends do. And vice versa.

Below that, we have acquaintances, who we know, who we enjoy seeing and talking to and getting to know better, but who aren’t the first people we think of when someone mentions the word friend.

Theoretically, that list sounds like a good way to classify the non-family people in our lives. Then logically, we have all kinds of sub groups, and sometimes it takes some work to figure out who belongs where in the file-folders of your heart.

Except I’ve recently discovered one problem to this way of thinking. People don’t always fit in file folders. We are emotional, and illogical, and commonsensical—but not. We are dreamers, and thinkers, and feelers whose moods and situations and family and jobs all affect who we are and why we love them or why they love you.

There is no safe way to categorize a friendship. So the best thing you can do is to stop trying and just let the people in your life be who they are and love them while you can. And if the day comes when you’re not as close as you once were, feel lucky that you had as much time as you did and be grateful to them for that time. Or maybe you’re closer than before. In that case, feel lucky for that.

Some friendships are worth fighting to keep, and sometimes we’re better off letting go and moving on. It’s all about what’s most healthy for both people involved. Just as love is a gift, so is friendship. And everyone appreciates it differently.

And people, I’m so grateful for all my amazing friends—no matter what category in which they fit. Or not.

Thanks. A Lot.

I have a question. When’s the last time someone did something nice for you, and how did you show your thanks?

I’m not talking about when someone—ya know—gives you a Valentine, or tells you your purple hair looks cool (although, these things should also be appreciated). No. What I mean is, has someone gone above and beyond, out of their way, bent over backward (and a zillion other clichéd phrases) to do something you may or may not have recognized as a service at the time? And did you recognize it as a service or did you pass it over as being something that person owed to you? An opportunity for them to grow (a process you yourself facilitated)?

Or did you thank them? And if you did, was it sincere or did it have a qualifier attached?

Here’s an example: “Thank you so much for canceling your weekend plans to help me move, but I wish you hadn’t handled that box so roughly—it’s your fault my vase was broken.”

Or this: “Thanks for staying behind and watching my kids while I did something fun, but I wish you hadn’t fed them cotton candy and bubble gum for dinner.”

One more: “Thank you for the considerable amount of trouble you went through to be here for me, but I wish someone else had come instead—they would have done things differently.”

In situations that don’t turn out the way we hoped, is it possible to just be grateful for the people who show up for us?

In my experience, people don’t usually do nice things so others will thank them, but maybe that’s a good reason why we should. And if I’m going to offer my thanks to someone, I hope I’m smart enough to keep any and all “buts” to myself. Because really, a thank you with a but attached, isn’t really thanks at all. Is it?

Do you agree? Disagree? Think I’m nuts? Sick of me publicly spilling my guts about everything that comes to mind? Feel free to say so in your comments.

Who's On Your Team?

This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about team work. My girls are involved in sports, so they get a lot of practice playing on teams. With each year that passes, and each sport they play (there are many) I realize more and more what it means to take a group of kids with such different personalities, with different skills and circumstances and desires, and combine them, push them toward a common goal.

It takes a lot of work. And effort from every single person involved. They don’t all have to like each other or hang out socially. They don’t have to dress alike, look alike, talk alike, or all listen to the same music, watch the same movies, be friends with the same people. Most often, few of them have anything else in common except for their love of the sport, and the need to be a part of the team.

Sometimes the team wins. Sometimes they lose. Whatever the outcome, they work their butts off conditioning, trying to get better, to improve. And those who are dedicated always do.

I have teams all over the place. My family is a team. (Extended family=extended team.) I have an amazing team of friends—my besties, known as the fabs. At any given moment, I can pass the ball to one of these people on my team and know they’ll be there to help me out.

There are even groups of writers with whom I’m part of a team. I used to think writing is a solitary production. And it is at first. But then you get critique partners, other writers/authors, editors, copy editors, cover artists, production people, agents, publicists, news outlets…and the list goes on and on. A whole huge team of people working toward one common goal.

So I’m thinking maybe life is a team effort. Maybe it’s all about learning how to work together, despite our differences. What do you think? Am I crazy to consider myself part of so many teams? To think other people are on my side waiting for me to pass the ball to them? Am I really an idealistic moron who puts too much hope in the world and the people in it, or do you think there’s some truth, some logic to this whole team thing?

More importantly, if I really am part of a team, what should we call ourselves?

Things I Learned in 2010

1. No matter how hard you try to please people, someone is inevitably disappointed, let down, or frustrated. I’m far better off doing what feels right to me, and hoping that others understand, but letting it go when they don’t.

2. Turning 18 or 21 doesn’t automatically make a person an adult. It is thoughts, actions, and behaviors that make us that. On the flip side, turning 40 or 50 or 85 doesn’t necessarily make a person old either. Same thing goes, even if our bodies are a little more wrinkled and worn.

3. You can’t plan for everything. Sometimes things come up. You aren’t prepared. Best thing you can do is roll with it, keep your priorities in line, and smile as much as you can.

4. Everyone gets discouraged at some point. Everyone. If you see someone who needs a pick-me-up, jump to help. You never know when you’ll be next and that person (or someone else) will be returning the favor.

5. Really strong, intense emotions tend to shut down your brain, then restart it again with a new perspective (even if that restart takes a few months). At the point of restart, a waterfall of wisdom might flow in. Be prepared to catch it.

6. Always wear a helmet.

7. Be careful of the things you do and say to others. You have no idea what is happening in their lives, how your actions or words will affect them now, or in the future.

8. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Also, it makes your house get, then stay, clean for a long time.

9. Sleep is for the tired, but caffeine is for the determined.

10. You can make friends, a home, your bed, but no matter what you do, you cannot make up for words left unsaid. Tell the important people in your life that you love them as often as possible. You never know when your most recent words will turn into your last ones.

What important lessons did you learn last year?