Happiness is a Choice

When I was young and we moved around a lot, my emotions were something of a roller coaster. Childhood emotions are generally very up and down anyway, but when your definition of home changes about yearly, even more so, I think.

After a move that had been particularly hard on me, my mother sat me down for a heart-to-heart chat. I was probably eleven or twelve. Maybe thirteen. And I must have been in a serious funk, because even back then it was hard to get me down and keep me there.

But I have never forgotten what my mother said to me that day. She told me that regardless of circumstances, surroundings, or the actions of other people, the only person who had total control of my happiness is ME. Happiness is a choice, and it is up to me to decide to be happy or not.

Since then, I’ve moved a whole bunch more times. Been through relationships and heartache and lots and lots of life. I’ve had my heart broken and rebuilt and remodeled and revised, and lived in several states and gone to lots of schools and experienced both happiness and disappointment. My mother’s words of wisdom have stayed with me through it all.

I choose to be happy.  

I have a family now, and children who are on a roller coaster themselves, and it’s time for me to pass on that same advice.

So here it is:

There are a lot of things and parts of life that are out of your control. Especially as a kid. Things happen, families move, bullies exist and there will always be someone who seems to know just the right thing to say in order to momentarily rip out your heart. You’ll like boys/girls and they might not like you back. Friends will say mean things and hurt your feelings. There will always be someone you miss. Always. There are a lot of reasons why you might choose to be unhappy, and those reasons will never go away. They will likely change, but there will forever be something.

Happiness is a choice. It is up to you to decide to rise above the bad and focus on the good. It’s up to you to take control of your well being. It is up to you to choose to be happy.

I hope I’ve taught you well. That’s all.  

Fear of the Unknown

I think it’s safe to say we all have fears. Lots of them. (Not that some of us would admit to them, but they exist.) But have you ever made a major life decision based on fear? Or maybe you went with courage instead?

Seriously. Life is scary. Success is scary. Failure is scary. Commitment is scary.

Some people fear staying in one place long enough to matter, while others fear leaving that place in order to spread their wings, make more of themselves or their lives.

Playing sports, or letting our kids play them = scary. Skydiving, scuba, traveling to new countries, learning to drive, riding on a motorcycle, skiing, anything you’ve never done before. Starting a new project, changing careers, anything that signals the beginning of a new phase of life can be REALLY FREAKING SCARY.

Because once we do those things, there will be some kind of result. Good or bad. And sometimes, when we do something big, the results can be ridiculously terrifying.

But if we don’t take those chances, do those things, how boring would our lives be? And more importantly, how would we ever discover the most amazing parts of life?

Sometimes we all have to take the scary road.

Submit that novel. Query that agent. Apply for that job. Move to a new city. Ask out that guy/girl you like. Plan that party. Go somewhere foreign.

DO SOMETHING BIG.

This weekend, I challenge you go do something you’ve been putting off because of fear. And when you do, I want to hear about it.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Go! Go now!

Good luck.

Choice and Accountability

Today I’m thinking about choices, and how whenever we make one, something happens. Maybe it’s good. Maybe it’s bad. Maybe it doesn’t matter, or maybe it does. We might choose to eat pudding for dinner, or pizza for breakfast, or nothing for days and days on end. Or maybe we gorge ourselves, eating everything we see for days and days on a whacked-out junk-food binge. Whatever. The point is that all those things are choices, and they all have consequences.

For instance, if we eat pudding for dinner, we might wake up starving in the middle of the night because our body needs more substance. Or if we eat pizza for breakfast, we might suffer from heartburn for the rest of the day. Or if we starve ourselves, we’ll mess up our metabolism and probably gain more weight than we could ever lose. Or if we binge eat—well, same thing, actually.

But those are small-ish choices. Every day we face bigger, more important choices that will affect our lives forever. Where and how we live, how we act and react, treat others, do with our time, who we love and how we show that love. Every day there are so. Many. Choices. To make.

And also, so many consequences for which we must be accountable.

Accountable. Us. Not everyone else (although, most of the time, our choices do affect others), us.

Regardless of what happens, your choices lead you. And when you get to wherever you’re going, whether it’s a good place or a bad place, it’s not because of anyone else, but because of choices made by YOU.

Food for thought, anyway. Hopefully, it’s more nourishing than the junk-food mentioned above. 

Dauntless

You know what I’ve discovered in all my thoughts about success and failure? Both require a large amount of bravery. Serious bravery. Because in order to succeed, you have to be willing to also fail. In order to fail, you have to be trying to succeed. (Unless you get into something deliberately planning to fail, but seriously, who does that?)

Whichever way you look at it, the only difference between the two is the end result and how we react to it.

Every success story is told with an interesting sequence of failure-type events which drove the story forward. They’re probably the most thought provoking, interesting stories you’ll ever hear, because they tell about how one person set out to succeed and FAILED, then failed again, and then a few more times, before finally reaching a level of success. And then they probably failed a few more times before making it to the top. If they ever made it to the top. Maybe they made it to a completely different location and decided that was where they should have been going all along. You never know. The point is they made it somewhere great. Somewhere AMAZING.

That’s how success goes. It’s how every game is won. It’s how every plot is driven. It’s what keeps us pushing on and shooting forward with a mad desire to get to the other side.

I am not afraid to fail. (Say it with me.) I AM NOT AFRAID TO FAIL.

But I’ll tell you what I am afraid of. I am terrified of never reaching my arms out and trying to pull myself higher. Because that is when I’ll realize how many times I’ve fallen down. No one wants to have to face that.

I am not afraid. I am NOT AFRAID. I AM NOT AFRAID! I. Am. Dauntless.

The question is, are you?

The Other Side of the Failure Forest

Remember this post when we talked about how success changes people? I’m still thinking about that, and it occurs to me that there’s another side of this coin. Not everyone succeeds. Some people change their goals completely, go in different directions, or flat out fail altogether.

Let’s face it. Just because we want something doesn’t mean we’re supposed to get it. Just because we hope doesn’t make our desired outcome best for us. And just because we fight doesn’t mean we’re going to win, or even that we should.

When this happens, when we adjust our thought processes, daily habits, and goals in order to reorganize the paths our lives are taking, how much does this change us?

I mean, yes, obviously we should (theoretically) be stronger for the lessons we’ve learned along the way. But after we discover that maybe we’re not cut out for that thing for which we’ve been reaching, or maybe that we’ve been reaching in the wrong direction—do you think that changes us too?

We all have a different purpose in life, different talents, different needs and desires and abilities, so it makes total sense that we’d have individual paths to success. And along the way we ALL experience failure of some sort or another.

The question is how will we deal with it?

Will we let our disappointment swallow us whole? Will we let hurt bury us? Will we allow heartache to still our hands and minds and creative process until we work no more?

OR.

Will we rise above it, set a new path, pick ourselves up, and start again?

Once again, I think it comes down to choices. We get to choose how we react to these circumstances. We get to choose what we do next. We get to choose which road to take at the next fork.

Me? I have decided that just because I only see two roads doesn’t mean I can’t forge my own path. And that, my friends, is EXACTLY what I intend to do.

See you on the other side of the forest.

Art, Lines, Choices

Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend Life, the Universe, and Everything, a science fiction and fantasy symposium in which authors and artists converge to share knowledge. The keynote address was given by a man named James A. Owen, and what he had to say struck home with me.

Turns out, James and I are likeminded people. I have spent so many posts talking about choices, and the importance of making good ones, and this was the focus of his address. His words were a well-timed reminder to me.

He says (I’m paraphrasing) that art is nothing but a series of lines. It’s up to us, the artists, to choose where each line goes. Everything in life is about choices. “Your choices are cumulative, and every choice you make gives you the chance to make new choices.” Meaning (to me), that the choices we made as children have brought us to where we are as adults. The choices we make as adults will ultimately decide on the paths of our lives. And sometimes, our childhood choices come back to us in unexpected ways.

He then went on to spout a number of fantastically wise words that I started writing as quotes. I’m going to share the three most important points of his address here, and then I’ll give you information about where you can purchase a book in which you will find James Owen’s whole incredible, triumphant story. I bought it. He signed it. I treasure it because of the incredible message inside. Worth. Every. Penny.

1. “If you really want to do something, no one can stop you. If you really don’t want to do something, no one can help you.”

2. “Are you the kind of person things happen to or the kind to make things happen?” (Decide!)

3. “Never sacrifice what you want most for what you want the most in that moment. If you hesitate [in making the decision] you’ve already made your choice. It was probably the hard one.

And one last quote for the road. “If you are strong enough to overcome, you will. It’s YOUR choice.”

What choices are you making today that will affect your life, or the lives of others, tomorrow?

James A. Owen is the author of Drawing out the Dragons, the Starchild series, and the Imaginarium Geographica series. Also, he is a highly motivational, absolutely inspiring speaker. Check out his works at his website.

**Update**

James A. Owen is right now GIVING away free ecopies of this book here. This is for a very limited time, so hurry, go fill out the form and download yours now!

The Art of Juggling

My daughter Sneezy is into sports. Like, way. Into. Them. Basketball, soccer, softball, track—she’ll try it all. And do it all. And be good at it.

Awesome, right? Except not always. We recently had to have a talk about how impossible it is for one person (me or her or anyone else) to be in two places at once. Because she has finally reached the point where that has become an issue. Thing is, it’s hard for anyone to dedicate themselves to two different teams. Even if the sports compliment each other in every physical way except practice times.

At some point, we all have to make hard choices like this. Where best to dedicate ourselves, to what team we give our all, and which pursuit will bring us the most happiness, or if not happiness, at least the best opportunity for success.

And it’s hard, you know? It really is hard to make that decision. Sneezy will probably have to choose between soccer and softball. One she truly loves, and the other is more popular among her best friends and would mean taking a fun out-of-town trip in the spring. Which one to choose?

I find myself at a similar crossroads. There’s this thing I love, writing, and it requires probably more than I’ve been able to give in the past, because I’ve been so busy taking care of a team I love (not my family—they’re always top priority). There was a point in time when I believed I could do both things, equally divide my time between them. But I have now reached a crossroads. I can still be a part of the team, just not the captain. Instead, I need to allow someone else a turn. Doing so will give me an opportunity to focus on my love, finish some projects I’ve started, and move forward in my career.

It’s completely possible to be equally good at two things. But in order to be the best at anything, most of us have to dedicate ourselves to just one at a time.

Like I told Sneezy, it’s not about being selfish. It’s about progressing to the next level.  About juggling the things in our lives to the best possible outcome. What do you think?

My Kids are Growing Up

I've discovered that no matter how hard I try, there is really no way of putting a plastic bubble around my kids to force them to stop growing up. Only yesterday, I was in the hospital with my fist child, thinking he was all there was in life.

Except that wasn't really yesterday, it was fifteen and a half years ago. Yeah, you got it. Last Monday I took him to the Driver's License Division to get his driving permit. I now have to teach him how to drive. (Can you say panic?)

And that's not all. The very next day, I sat with my third child (eleven-year-old, girl, in the fifth grade) while we listened to the maturation presentation at school. She's growing up too!

Now, about this presentation. She was so nervous. And admittedly, she hoped I would forget and not show up. But I didn't. It's a good thing, too. Unfortunately, the presentation was so very basic, there was only a tiny amount of information she didn't already know. I found myself way disappointed. There was nothing about how boys change as they grow up. Nothing about sex (sorry, but they need to at least know how babies are made!) and nothing about eating disorders, or any of the things I learned about when I was that age.

Lucky for me, I have no problem talking to my children about these things. They're natural, and I feel like it's important for them to know. Still, there are a whole lot of adults who refuse to discuss what they perceive as embarrassing or delicate subjects with their children. I suppose they expect the kids to learn at school. But people, school lessons really don't teach them anything about it.

On the other hand, they will help teach your kids how to drive--drivers education is required in the sophomore year. And yes, my son will have to practice driving in my car (a frightening idea, let me assure you) but I can go with him knowing that if he doesn't listen to me, there is another person of influence helping teach him the basics. And knowing how often kids believe what their parents are telling them, that's good to know.

Eventually, every kid will know how to drive a car. Even if they don't own one for several years. But not every kid will know and understand what's happening with their body, and why they should make good choices (on every level) to keep them healthy and happy. Even though they all have bodies.

Before you start flogging me, let me just state that I don't blame the school system for this massive oversight. Some things are personal, and private, and should be taught with a level of love. It's our job as parents to take care of those things.

I just find it ironic, that's all. It reminds me why--when some of my girlfriends had questions their parents wouldn't answer--my mother sat us down in our kitchen for a question and answer session. I was mortified at the time. But I also knew it was needed.

And now, even though it makes me feel old, it's my turn. Heaven help me!