If Life Were Like Facebook

©By Nichole Giles

If life were like Facebook...

Poking someone you’ve only ever met once would be a perfectly acceptable form of greeting.

You get to choose whether or not to be friends with someone—and you can take all the time you need to decide. Confirm or deny?

Hitting your family and friends in various body parts with different types of food would be considered a daily dinner ritual.

No one could make the claim that they had more friends than someone else unless it was really true.

Everyone in the world could be friends with a celebrity or two. Or fifty.

Psychics would lose their jobs because people could tell their own futures, including day and time of death, by taking a quiz.

You could ignore people without being obvious.

Single people would never again have to endure those tired pickup lines. Instead, the dating ritual would be reduced to super-soakers filled with love potion.

You could easily hide that obnoxious person who drives you crazy. They could keep being themselves, and you wouldn’t have to know about it.

You never have to wonder where your friends are, because everyone always checks in to tell you where they are and what they’re doing. Ex: So-and-so just went to the grocery store to hit the big toilet paper sale.

Having someone kidnap you to a foreign country would be considered a gesture of friendship.

TV would become obsolete as the world watched real-life personal drama unfold on their newsreel.

When someone made you mad, you could get back at them by tagging them in an embarrassing photo and sharing it with all of their friends, and yours too.

It would be completely acceptable to write on people’s walls.

And finally, everyone you know would have a successful, thriving farm.

Crazy Eights Tag

By Nichole Giles

My wacky friend Ali has caught me—she was it in another game of blogger-tag. Apparently, no matter how fast I run, someone always catches up with me. Or maybe I just get tired too quickly. Either way, I’m now “it.”

So…

In Ali’s exact words:

Here be Da Rules:

1. Mention the person who tagged you.

2. Complete the list of 8's.

3. Tag 8 other bloggers.

4. Tell them they have been tagged.

And here are my answers:

Eight Things I Look Forward To:

1. Getting a big book deal
2. Visiting my sister next week
3. Sightseeing in Texas while we’re there
4. Summer sunshine
5. Paying off our debt—someday
6. The Nickelback concert in August
7. A weekend with my “home-girls”
8. Hanging out at the pool all summer

Eight Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Took my husband to have surgery
2. Finished “Wings” by Aprilynne Pike (So good!)
3. Checked my email
4. Drove the carpool
5. Picked up prescriptions
6. Drove my kids to piano and guitar lessons
7. Dishes
8. Laundry

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Go to Hawaii
2. Live by the ocean
3. Finish a book more quickly
4. Find an agent
5. Get a book contract
6. Get rid of my headaches (Forever!)
7. Play the guitar
8. Hire a housekeeper

Eight Shows I Watch:

1. 24
2. Prison Break (except now it’s done forever! Boo hoo.)
3. Heroes
4. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
5. The food network
6. The news (boring, huh?)
7. Seinfeld reruns
8. Um, I don’t watch much TV because I’d rather read or write. Sorry, I could only think of seven.

Eight Friends I’m Tagging:

1. Cindy Beck
2. Connie Hall
3. Darvell Hunt
4. Rebecca Talley
5. Rebecca Shelley
6. Keith Fisher
7. Kim Thompson
8. Tristi Pinkston

There you have it, folks! Crazy eights. See you in a couple of days for a review of "Wings."

Not-So-Classic Metaphors

A friend sent me this via email, and I thought it was too cute not to share.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

7. The revelation that his marriage of thirty years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

9. McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

13. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

14. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

15. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

16. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

17. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

18. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

19. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.