If Life Were Like Facebook

©By Nichole Giles

If life were like Facebook...

Poking someone you’ve only ever met once would be a perfectly acceptable form of greeting.

You get to choose whether or not to be friends with someone—and you can take all the time you need to decide. Confirm or deny?

Hitting your family and friends in various body parts with different types of food would be considered a daily dinner ritual.

No one could make the claim that they had more friends than someone else unless it was really true.

Everyone in the world could be friends with a celebrity or two. Or fifty.

Psychics would lose their jobs because people could tell their own futures, including day and time of death, by taking a quiz.

You could ignore people without being obvious.

Single people would never again have to endure those tired pickup lines. Instead, the dating ritual would be reduced to super-soakers filled with love potion.

You could easily hide that obnoxious person who drives you crazy. They could keep being themselves, and you wouldn’t have to know about it.

You never have to wonder where your friends are, because everyone always checks in to tell you where they are and what they’re doing. Ex: So-and-so just went to the grocery store to hit the big toilet paper sale.

Having someone kidnap you to a foreign country would be considered a gesture of friendship.

TV would become obsolete as the world watched real-life personal drama unfold on their newsreel.

When someone made you mad, you could get back at them by tagging them in an embarrassing photo and sharing it with all of their friends, and yours too.

It would be completely acceptable to write on people’s walls.

And finally, everyone you know would have a successful, thriving farm.